Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Anyone who speaks Spanish can you help?

Can you translate these six sentences for me? I promise I%26#039;ve already translated them, I just wanna see how close I got to getting them right.





1) Ladies wore platform shoes


2)Ladies wore new types of suits. Sweaters matched skirts and evening dresses.


3)Men wore %26#039;zoot suits%26#039;


4)Boy wore regular jeans and T-shirts


5)Ruffles were on skirt hems, necklines and waists. Blouses had puffy sleeves.


6)Men%26#039;s shirts were made in bright colors. They had hand painted ties.

Anyone who speaks Spanish can you help?
Is it something like this?








1) Las señoras usaron los zapatos de la plataforma que


2) señoras usaron nuevos tipos de juegos. Faldas y vestidos de noche emparejados suéteres.


3) Los hombres usaron el “zoot satisfacen”) a muchacho


4 usaron los pantalones vaqueros regulares y las camisetas 5) colmenas estaban en los dobladillos, los necklines y las cinturas de la falda. Las blusas tenían mangas puffy.


6) Las camisas de los hombres fueron hechas en colores brillantes. Tenían lazos pintados a mano.
Reply:1) damas llevaron zapatos de plataforma 2) Damas llevaron nuevos tipos de juicios. Los suéteres emparejaron vestidos de faldas y tarde. 3) hombres llevaron los %26quot;juicios de zoot%26quot; 4) Chico llevó vaqueros y camisetas regulares


5) Eriza estuvieron en dobladillos de falda, los escotes y las cinturas. Las blusas tuvieron mangas hinchadas. 6) hombres%26#039; camisas de s fueron hechas en colores brillantes. Ellos tuvieron mano corbatas pintadas.
Reply:Check your work here:





Translators:


Babel-fish: http://babelfish.altavista.com/translate...


Merriam-WEBSTER: http://www.m-w.com/store/books_and_cds.h...



peeling skin

Good Skit?

The students in my class-inluding-me have been given an assignment to write and perform a skit that is at least 3-6 min. long. The topic chosen by my group is Love and Marriage in the Middle Ages. I wrote this skit, and i was wondering if it is good? What can I do to improve? Please and thank you! P.S. due to the time constraints all of the details such as the marriage ceremony itself is not perfect.





Skit Outline





Topic: Medieval Love and Marriage





Scene 1





Setting: Jesse and Evangeline sneak out to a tiny tent belonging to Jesse in Lord Cadman’s manor to talk.





Evangeline: Jesse, I have some terrible news. I am afraid that my bitter, envious mother had already made my marital arrangements, and it is no one you are going to like.





Jesse: What are you talking about my love?





Evangeline: (sounding sad and angry) I have to be bethrowed to no other than your Lord, Cadman; the same Lord Cadman who owns this very manor. He is certainly the wealthiest, cruelest, being alive.





Jesse: (freaking out) What are we to do? Is there no way to tell your parents we are in love? Would you like to elope? I shall do anything to please you as long as we shall be together.





Evangeline: I am afraid there is nothing we can do. You know how marriages these days work. We women have no choice! We mustn’t tell anyone of our affair for they may kill you! It is best we do not see each other very often. It will certainly help me trying to move on. How shall I ever love another man?





End of Scene





Scene 2





The wedding takes place in a highly decorated church.





The Priest: (speaking to everyone in church) Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God to join together this Man and this Woman in holy Matrimony; which is an honorable estate, instituted of God in Paradise, and into which holy estate these two persons present come now to be joined. Therefore if any man can shew any just cause, why they may not lawfully be joined together, let him now speak, or else hereafter for ever hold his peace.


(speaking to Lord Cadman) Lord Cadman, wilt thou have this Woman to be thy wedded wife, to live together after God%26#039;s ordinance in the holy estate of Matrimony? Wilt thou love her, comfort her, honor, and keep her, in sickness and in health; and forsaking all other, keep thee only unto her, so long as ye both shall live?





Lord Cadman: I will





Priest: (speaking to Evangeline) Wilt thou have this man to be thy wedded husband, to live together after God’s ordinance in the holy estate of Matrimony? Wilt thou obey him, and serve him, love, honor, and keep him in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all other, keep thee only unto him, so long as ye both shall live?





Evangeline: (crying/sobbing) I will





Priest: Who giveth this Woman to be married to this Man?








Kathleen: I do





Kathleen places Evangeline’s right hand in the hand of the minister then sits back down





The Priest places Evangeline’s right hand in Lord Cadman’s and follows after the priest





Lord Cadman and Priest: I Lord Cadman take thee Lady Evangeline of Ireland to my wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, till death us depart, according to God’s holy ordinance; and thereunto I plight thee my troth.





Lord Cadman places his right hand in Evangeline’s





Evangeline and Priest: I Lady Evangeline of Ireland take thee Lord Cadman to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, till death us depart, according to God’s holy ordinance, and thereunto I plight thee my troth.





Cadman shall give one ring to Evangeline and give the a duplicate as well as a book to the Priest





Priest: (blessing rings) Bless these Rings, O merciful Lord, that those who wear them, that give and receive them, may be ever faithful to one another, remain in your peace, and live and grow old together in your love, under their own vine and fig tree, and seeing their children%26#039;s children. Amen.





Priest gives ring to Cadman and Cadman places the ring on Evangeline’s fourth finger, holds the ring and says:





Cadman: With this Ring I thee wed, (here placing it upon her thumb) and (here placing it upon her index finger) (here placing it upon her ring finger) In the Name of the Father, Amen.





Then join bride and grooms hands





Priest: I now pronounce thee Man and Wife





(speaking to bride and groom) Those whom God hath joined together let no man put asunder.





Cadman: (exiting) Come, let us all fill our bellies with the successfully harvested food!





Scene 3





Evangeline: (packing her things to leave as her voice reads the letter in the background-by recording her voice)





Letter: Dear Jesse, life here has been horrible. There has never been a day where you haven’t been in my thoughts. Every time I see that darned Cadman’s face I want to vomit and deeply wish for your comfort. How can I fall in love with a groom who was chosen for me like so many others do, when I am in love with you? If you were at the wedding you would have been fooled by his false smiles and fake laughs just as anyone else would have; but it only takes a week and a half for a human being to be truly disgusted with him.





Lord Cadman storms in





Cadman: (rudely) Meet me in the parlor in twenty minutes!





Finishing Letter: I do not think I can play this game any longer, which is why I have decided we should elope. Maybe I am being foolish or crazy to flee from a powerful man’s home, but it is best that I follow my heart. I will come to you with the little I have, since I will not accept any belongings Lord Cadman bestowed upon me. I have only my wedding dress as well as my filthy gown which has grown too small. Jewelry, shoes, nightgowns, these were all things I had before, but now I am left with nothing. The other wives weren’t exaggerating when they said husbands controlled their wives. I shall see you soon one way or another. Love, Evangeline.





Holding up “One Week Later” sign





Evangeline: Oh I can’t wait to see Jesse! I am so furious at Lord Cadman to whom I am betrothed!

Good Skit?
This Shi* is so cash.
Reply:thats really good!


i hate doing stuff like that :/
Reply:I think its pretty good but its sorta cheesy especially the lines. Like i noe its a school skit and everything but make ppl say things more realiztic and don%26#039;t use the same words over and over again. Also i think this is very long for a 3-6 minute skit .



performing arts network

A joke for the military. Will you enjoy it?

God Bless yall.





You know that you have been in Iraq too long when...





1. You call the barracks home.





2. The girl that was a 2 is now a 5.





3. You use words like %26quot;roger%26quot;, %26quot;negative%26quot;, and %26quot;say again%26quot; in normal


conversation.





4. You go home for vacation.





5. The girl with the hairy legs and upper lip is the hot one.





6. Card board boxes are your desk.





7. You%26#039;re over 20 years old and sleeping in a bunk bed.





8. You buy a DVD with 5 movies on it for $5 and feel like you got


ripped


off.





9. You don%26#039;t pause your game because of mortars.





10. You lose weight because %26quot;I just can%26#039;t eat that again.%26quot;





11. You never know what day it is.





12. Getting a good meal involves a quarter-mile hike.





13. You get called a hippie because your hair is 1 inch long.





14. You%26#039;re happy when it%26#039;s ONLY 110 degrees.





15. Going to the bathroom involves shoes, a flashlight, and body armor.





16. Seeing a tank roll past is no longer cool.





17. All your clothes look the same.





18. You don%26#039;t fix the hole in the crotch of your pants because %26quot;it%26#039;s


good ventilation.%26quot;





19. You walk into a store with a rifle and nobody cares.





20. Your family knows what%26#039;s going on before you do.





21. Everything you own fits in a 3 foot by 3 foot area.





22. 80 degrees is cold.





23. A man in a dress doesn%26#039;t seem wierd.





24. Good sleep is 5 hours.





25. Someone gets shot and you%26#039;re mad because now the phones will be


down.





26. You%26#039;ve read more books in 3 months than you did in the rest of your


life.





27. You%26#039;re so bored that you hope someone will start shooting at you


today.





28. You can%26#039;t pronounce your interpreter%26#039;s name, so you call him %26quot;Bob%26quot;.





29. You wish that the guy you%26#039;re searching ONLY had B.O.





30. You hear a boom and you know if it was a mortar or a rocket.





31. After almost being hit by a mortar, you and your buddy start


laughing.





32. Half of the people you meet are named %26quot;Muhammed%26quot; or %26quot;Ali.%26quot;





33. You catch three of your buddies watching %26quot;The Notebook%26quot;, and


without


making fun of them, you sit down and watch.





34. You shower with shoes on.





35. You%26#039;re so bored that you don%26#039;t stop your buddy from telling a story


that you%26#039;ve already heard 10 times this week.





36. The snoring around you is %26quot;soothing%26quot;.





37. Listening to the radio is less important than watching the fly


strip.





38. The mouse in your area is now a pet.





39. You buy Gold Bond powder in bulk.





40. You can tell the difference between American and Iraqi Pepsi.





41. You hear a familiar rap song, but you don%26#039;t understand the words.





42. You bet on when and where the next rocket will hit.





43. You feel naked without your rifle.





44. You buy a Rolex that%26#039;s not a Rolex on purpose.





45. You%26#039;re happy because you get to shoot at a tailgater.





46. Your favorite food is Cup %26#039;O Noodle.





47. You haven%26#039;t seen a cloud in months.





48. Your buddies help shave each other%26#039;s backs.





49. You dream in night vision.





50. The last time you were home you didn%26#039;t have kids.





51. All you see are trash drifts instead of snow drifts.





52. If you have ever said, %26quot;It%26#039;s not that bad here.%26quot;





53. Farting is a contest.





54. Everyone you don%26#039;t know calls you %26quot;Mister%26quot;.





55. You don%26#039;t notice the 40 lbs of body armor anymore.





56. You know what a %26quot;Hesco%26quot; is.





57. Privacy is a sheet.





58. You see an E-7 working.





59. A plate that holds food is the %26quot;hook-up%26quot;.





60. You dress up for Halloween in your normal clothes.





61. You spend large sums of money to buy your favorite TV shows on DVD.





62. You rely on the food you get in packages you get from home for


survival.





63. All your white socks are now tan.





64. You go to the Port-O-John to get away from the smell outside.





65. You wear your clothes for four days to save on wash time.





66. You know your friends by smell.





67. The sight of a man%26#039;s naked but is no longer alarming.





68. You have ever yelled, %26quot;Who took the last can of Beanie-Weenies?%26quot;





69. You don%26#039;t need an interpreter to understand your interpreter.





70. You will put your life on the line to get a good picture.





71. You buy an Airsoft pistol because the Army won%26#039;t give you a real


one.





72. You have huge speakers that you never use.





73. Your wife asks you what time it is there and you answer,


%26quot;Twenty-one


hundred.%26quot;





74. You really would kill for Burger King.





75. The last forest you were in was a camo net.





76. You set booby traps for the foxes in your area.





77. You take bets on what gridline the next IED will explode.





78. When it feels good to patrol the MSR just to get off the FOB.

A joke for the military. Will you enjoy it?
My husband is there now.. and THANK YOU for the laugh... it really improved my day a litte. Humor is my favorite way of dealing with everything This actually helped
Reply:thats really not that funny to anyone who has a loved one there
Reply:I have two buddies there one in the Navy and one in the Army well the Army one isn%26#039;t there yet I don%26#039;t believe.





I think they would laugh though
Reply:Thanks, I%26#039;ll pass it on!
Reply:Funny except for these two:





2. The girl that was a 2 is now a 5.





50. The last time you were home you didn%26#039;t have kids.
Reply:So true/
Reply:i have a son over %26#039;in the sandbox%26#039;, so, while i couldn%26#039;t laugh (it%26#039;s a tense time, right now), it did make me smile, a bit....(and i copied it, to send to him, as well.....)





thanks.
Reply:It%26#039;s funny because it%26#039;s its true. I have been there and done that. What%26#039;s realy bad are the jokes we say when we are there.
Reply:This a joke that is sad and funny at the same time.
Reply:thats pretty true. I%26#039;m not going to ever be parted with my rifle.



teeth

Good Skit?

The students in my class-inluding-me have been given an assignment to write and perform a skit that is at least 3-6 min. long. The topic chosen by my group is Love and Marriage in the Middle Ages. I wrote this skit, and i was wondering if it is good? What can I do to improve? Please and thank you! P.S. due to the time constraints all of the details such as the marriage ceremony itself is not perfect.





Skit Outline





Topic: Medieval Love and Marriage





Scene 1





Setting: Jesse and Evangeline sneak out to a tiny tent belonging to Jesse in Lord Cadman’s manor to talk.





Evangeline: Jesse, I have some terrible news. I am afraid that my bitter, envious mother had already made my marital arrangements, and it is no one you are going to like.





Jesse: What are you talking about my love?





Evangeline: (sounding sad and angry) I have to be bethrowed to no other than your Lord, Cadman; the same Lord Cadman who owns this very manor. He is certainly the wealthiest, cruelest, being alive.





Jesse: (freaking out) What are we to do? Is there no way to tell your parents we are in love? Would you like to elope? I shall do anything to please you as long as we shall be together.





Evangeline: I am afraid there is nothing we can do. You know how marriages these days work. We women have no choice! We mustn’t tell anyone of our affair for they may kill you! It is best we do not see each other very often. It will certainly help me trying to move on. How shall I ever love another man?





End of Scene





Scene 2





The wedding takes place in a highly decorated church.





The Priest: (speaking to everyone in church) Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God to join together this Man and this Woman in holy Matrimony; which is an honorable estate, instituted of God in Paradise, and into which holy estate these two persons present come now to be joined. Therefore if any man can shew any just cause, why they may not lawfully be joined together, let him now speak, or else hereafter for ever hold his peace.


(speaking to Lord Cadman) Lord Cadman, wilt thou have this Woman to be thy wedded wife, to live together after God%26#039;s ordinance in the holy estate of Matrimony? Wilt thou love her, comfort her, honor, and keep her, in sickness and in health; and forsaking all other, keep thee only unto her, so long as ye both shall live?





Lord Cadman: I will





Priest: (speaking to Evangeline) Wilt thou have this man to be thy wedded husband, to live together after God’s ordinance in the holy estate of Matrimony? Wilt thou obey him, and serve him, love, honor, and keep him in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all other, keep thee only unto him, so long as ye both shall live?





Evangeline: (crying/sobbing) I will





Priest: Who giveth this Woman to be married to this Man?








Kathleen: I do





Kathleen places Evangeline’s right hand in the hand of the minister then sits back down





The Priest places Evangeline’s right hand in Lord Cadman’s and follows after the priest





Lord Cadman and Priest: I Lord Cadman take thee Lady Evangeline of Ireland to my wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, till death us depart, according to God’s holy ordinance; and thereunto I plight thee my troth.





Lord Cadman places his right hand in Evangeline’s





Evangeline and Priest: I Lady Evangeline of Ireland take thee Lord Cadman to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, till death us depart, according to God’s holy ordinance, and thereunto I plight thee my troth.





Cadman shall give one ring to Evangeline and give the a duplicate as well as a book to the Priest





Priest: (blessing rings) Bless these Rings, O merciful Lord, that those who wear them, that give and receive them, may be ever faithful to one another, remain in your peace, and live and grow old together in your love, under their own vine and fig tree, and seeing their children%26#039;s children. Amen.





Priest gives ring to Cadman and Cadman places the ring on Evangeline’s fourth finger, holds the ring and says:





Cadman: With this Ring I thee wed, (here placing it upon her thumb) and (here placing it upon her index finger) (here placing it upon her ring finger) In the Name of the Father, Amen.





Then join bride and grooms hands





Priest: I now pronounce thee Man and Wife





(speaking to bride and groom) Those whom God hath joined together let no man put asunder.





Cadman: (exiting) Come, let us all fill our bellies with the successfully harvested food!





Scene 3





Evangeline: (packing her things to leave as her voice reads the letter in the background-by recording her voice)





Letter: Dear Jesse, life here has been horrible. There has never been a day where you haven’t been in my thoughts. Every time I see that darned Cadman’s face I want to vomit and deeply wish for your comfort. How can I fall in love with a groom who was chosen for me like so many others do, when I am in love with you? If you were at the wedding you would have been fooled by his false smiles and fake laughs just as anyone else would have; but it only takes a week and a half for a human being to be truly disgusted with him.





Lord Cadman storms in





Cadman: (rudely) Meet me in the parlor in twenty minutes!





Finishing Letter: I do not think I can play this game any longer, which is why I have decided we should elope. Maybe I am being foolish or crazy to flee from a powerful man’s home, but it is best that I follow my heart. I will come to you with the little I have, since I will not accept any belongings Lord Cadman bestowed upon me. I have only my wedding dress as well as my filthy gown which has grown too small. Jewelry, shoes, nightgowns, these were all things I had before, but now I am left with nothing. The other wives weren’t exaggerating when they said husbands controlled their wives. I shall see you soon one way or another. Love, Evangeline.





Holding up “One Week Later” sign





Evangeline: Oh I can’t wait to see Jesse! I am so furious at Lord Cadman to whom I am betrothed!

Good Skit?
Hub is very correct. I would add a few things.


#1You don%26#039;t have to say%26quot;nowadays%26quot; describing marriage arrangements. That sounds like a recent change.Arranged marriages were the norm for most people in most cultures going back to prehistory.


#2Establish for the audience exactly what Jesse%26#039;s age, social class (and occupatuion if anything but a nobleman) where he is from and what resources his kin might have or have not.Obviously he is not as wealthy or connected to the King%26#039;s court or there would be no problem in the first place


#3 If he is anything but a nobleman with his own estate, he is done for. He will most definitely be hunted down and dragged back to face punishment.Most likely death. There were few places to hide if an overlord was looking for one of his vassals or serfs. The few independent cities could be a refuge from serf bondage and only if you could hide successfuly for a year and a day


#4 The couple could not even ask for %26quot;sanctuary%26quot; in a church,monastery or convent since they are not only breaking a civil law by running away but they are also more importantly breaking church law by breaking a marriage vow.Divorces were extremly rare then,almost unheard of. The Church did not support or allow it. More likely E would be killed by her husband for the crime of adultery with consent from the legal system and the local diocese.


#5. Cruelty was not a good enough reason for ending a marriage then


#6 The only way out for E would be if her husband took pity on her and had the marriage %26quot;annulled%26quot; before they slept together. But since he is not very nice this seems unlikely.


#7 If E is a lady then use the name of a smaller place than an entire country like %26quot;Ireland%26quot;.That would be reserved for a much higher noble like a princess or perhaps duchess. If she was that well off she would not be pushed into a bad marriage unless to a prince or king .Maybe pick out a particular county or place-name in Ireland if you need to add to her title.


#8 Another way out for the couple is to committ double suicide. Check out Shakespear%26#039;s %26quot;Romeo and Juliet%26quot;. That was in the Rennaisance but the ideas are pretty much the same.


I hope you understand that I%26#039;m not picking on you. If you consider what I have written you will have a better idea of how conditions were then


***idea: Make J another, perhaps not as wealthy ,nobleman. Have him interrupt the wedding ceremony declaring his love.Lord C will want to kill him.Lord J would risk his life and agree to Lord C%26#039;s challenge of a duel. Lord J as the challenged one gets to pick the type of weapons they will use. The fight would not occurr in the church but later at some appointed time. Someone will have to die.Hope this helps
Reply:Not bad. One way to improve it would be to show (not have a character tell about) the mother%26#039;s demanding that E. marry the wicked Cadman and to SHOW how Cadman mistreats E.





Remember that back then, no one married for love--one married the parent%26#039;s choice for property or power or both. So you could have E.%26#039;s mother explaining that.





I would eliminate the wedding scene, as that is more or less the same as today. Show how things were different then. Maybe show the the feast after the wedding , with Cadman mistreating E. there and talking about the heirs they were going to have together.





One big problem with the third scene is that E. and J. would not be able to run off together, especially if J is of a lower social class than E. Society was so compact back then that there was probably no place for them to go. So they probably would not even think of running off together.




beauty

Here's some for the ladies?

Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?


A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.





Q. How do men define a %26quot;50/50%26quot; relationship?


A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.





Q. How do men exercise on the beach?


A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.





Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?


A. Make him wear shoes.





Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?


A. Rename the mail folder %26quot;Instruction Manuals.%26quot;





Q. How does a man show he%26#039;s planning for the future?


A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.





Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?


A. All he%26#039;s concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.





Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?


A. Any place without a drive-up window.





Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?


A. Trustworthy.





Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man%26#039;s penis?


A. His body.





Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?


A. A power failure.





Q. What should you give a man who has everything?


A. A woman to show him how to work it.





Q. What do men and mascara have in common?


A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.





Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?


A. They either cling, run, or don%26#039;t fit right in the crotch!





Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?


A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.





Q. What%26#039;s a man%26#039;s definition of a romantic evening?


A. Sex.

Here%26#039;s some for the ladies?
hahahahahaha soooooooooo true, laughed at every one of them!!!








Go girl, kick some @ss!!!


LMFTO
Reply:A fave %26quot;man bashing%26quot; joke of mine...





Loving a man is like a deck of playing cards.


You need a heart to love him.


A diamond to marry him,


A club to smack him with


%26amp; a spade to bury the idiot!





Hahahaha some might find it distasteful but i think it%26#039;s hilarious!! :P
Reply:Good ones
Reply:thanks for the laugh
Reply:Funny!





The last one in that list is absolutely true.





regards, ATG.
Reply:Way to go ! Both your statements %26amp; malcolmgriggs%26#039; are true , but it is mark who has the best joke : %26quot; a decent bloke !?%26quot;
Reply:You definitely know men.
Reply:lol great lessons from life******
Reply:It%26#039;s no wonder you sound so aggrieved. You should find yourself a decent bloke...
Reply:great cant stop laughing will def pass these on
Reply:You really are a very sad person arent you?. Let me guess, all your friends have boyfriends and you never seem to get the good ones.





Here are some for the Men





How many men does it take to open a beer?


None. It should be opened by the time your woman brings it to the couch.





Losing a wife can be hard. In most cases, it is damned near impossible.





Why was alcohol invented?


So fat women can get laid too.





A man complaining to a friend: %26quot;I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman... then... pow!... it was all gone!%26quot; %26quot;What happened?%26quot; asked the friend. %26quot;Ahhhh... my wife found out...%26quot;





Wife: Let%26#039;s go out and have some fun tonight.


Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.





A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, %26quot;Martha, pack up your things! I just won the National lottery!%26quot; Martha responds excitedly, %26quot;Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?!%26quot; The man responds, %26quot;I don%26#039;t care ... just so long as you%26#039;re out of the house by noon!%26quot;





Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful.





I haven%26#039;t spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don%26#039;t like to interrupt her.





A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.





If your wife and your lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to the cinema?





Why have women got small feet?


So they can get closer to the sink.





Why have women got legs?


To move between the kitchen and the bedroom.





How do you know when it%26#039;s time to wash dishes and clean the house?


Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it%26#039;s not time.





Why do women pay more attention to their faces than their minds?


Because even thought men may, at time, be a little stupid, they aren%26#039;t blind.





What%26#039;s the difference between a dog howling on the back porch, and a women howling on the front porch?


The dog shuts up when you let it in.





Did you hear about the new home appliance?


You screw it on the bed and it does all the housework.





Why does the bride always wear white?


Because it is always a good idea to have the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.





How do you change a woman%26#039;s mind?


Buy her another beer.





How can you tell if your wife is dead?


The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.





Rules For Women








If you think you%26#039;re fat, you probably are.


Don%26#039;t ask us. We refuse to answer.





Men were born with a natural ability to


Fart, Swear, Consume copious amounts of alcohol,


play golf from 07:30 tee-off until 04:30 the next morning,


scratch our balls in public.





The morning after a dinner of Cabbage %26amp; Bacon and we take a dump


don%26#039;t ***** use the spare toilet.





Women need men to procreate. We don%26#039;t care about X and Y Chromosomes


as long as the package is delivered.





Shaving your patch is a turn-on. Deal with the itch.


We will assist in applying the anti-itch cream.





Farting in bed and holding your head under the duvet


can be construed as a national sport.





Pregnancy is just as tough for men .


for the first trimester nothing much needs to change it%26#039;s just not as regular,


For the 2nd trimester it%26#039;s less frequent and only Doggy style,


For the last trimester we have to practice coyote love


we sit in front of the hole and howl.





Learn to work the toilet seat. If it%26#039;s up, put it down.





Don%26#039;t cut your hair. Ever.


Long hair is always more attractive than short hair,


One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women


always cut their hair, and by then you%26#039;re stuck with her.





Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests


to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!





If you ask a question you don%26#039;t want an answer to,


expect an answer you don%26#039;t want to hear.





Sometimes, we%26#039;re not thinking about you. Live with it.





Don%26#039;t ask us what we%26#039;re thinking about unless you are prepared


to discuss such topics as navel lint,


the shotgun formation and monster trucks.





Sunday = sports. It%26#039;s like the full moon or the changing of the tides.


Let it be.





Shopping is not a sport, and no, we%26#039;re never going to think of it that way.





When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.


Really. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.





Crying is blackmail.





Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.





Ask for what you want. Let%26#039;s be clear on this one: Subtle hints don%26#039;t work.


Strong hints don%26#039;t work. Really obvious hints don%26#039;t work. Just say it.





No, we don%26#039;t know what day it is. We never will.


Mark anniversaries on a calendar.





Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult.


We%26#039;re bound to miss sometimes.





Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think


we%26#039;d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty,


would look good with your dress?





Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.





Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.


That%26#039;s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.





A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.





Foreign films are best left to foreigners.





Check your oil.





Fake it. We don%26#039;t care as long as we dump our load.





It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.


No, it doesn%26#039;t matter which quiz.





Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.


All comments become null and void after 7 days.





If you won%26#039;t dress like the Victoria%26#039;s Secret girls,


don%26#039;t expect us to act like soap opera guys.





If something we said can be interpreted two ways,


and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.





Let us ogle. We%26#039;re going to look anyway; it%26#039;s genetic.





Don%26#039;t rub the lamp if you don%26#039;t want the genie to come out.





You can either ask us to do something OR


tell us how you want it done-not both.
Reply:These are funny!
Reply:He he he.....all so true
Reply:I love it !! Great one liners !!
Reply:they r great...well worth a star
Reply:Its a great list of jokes. Really enjoyed it.
Reply:You are my new hero!


God help the man that should be dating you. (lol)


Best site ive seen on here well funny!
Reply:hehe
Reply:hey..thats quite true too...haha star for you
Reply:yea very good have a star!!!
Reply:Ha ha ha....thanx for the laugh
Reply:yeah that%26#039;s a good joke, fav part is about the penis and his body ha,ha, ha
Reply:Like them
Reply:it was interesting and funny at the same time, kudos to you!
Reply:You go girl!!!!
Reply:hahaha! lol
Reply:OMG u r sooo spot on. EVERYONE of these are true (sadly :( xx)





:) xx
Reply:lol aww they%26#039;re adorable lmao at the last one
Reply:Hhahahahahahhahaaa, you femenist, lol.
Reply:funny
Reply:i loved them





especially the pantyhose one



knode-devel

What should I wear to a wedding?

Okay, I did already ask this question yesterday, but I didn%26#039;t get the response I was looking for. I got a lot of nice feedback, but I would really have liked more links of pictures of an item where I can actually purchase it as well.





Remember:


-it%26#039;s a formal wedding


-it%26#039;s in a hotel


-it%26#039;s in Miami


-on June 1st (or around there)


-I%26#039;m the best man%26#039;s date (the groom%26#039;s brother)


-I believe the reception will start in the afternoon, but the celebration will go into evening


-meeting MANY new people





PICTURES:


-me a few months ago in a dress:


http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=10s7o0k%26amp;...





my body is basically the same now


but here%26#039;s a pic of my face I just took on my webcam: http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=6ftmx4%26amp;s...





PLEASE FIND MY PERFECT DRESS FOR THIS OCCASION!





Accessories would be very helpful as well


(purse/clutch, shoes, jewelry, etc.)





Best answer will be given in 2-3 days.

What should I wear to a wedding?
I would advise to wear a very soft pastel green dress with spaghetti straps and that flows out at the bottom in a kind of chiffon, which ends just below your calf. Silver strappy sandals and clutch and a cream wrap and cream flower in your hair!
Reply:i dont think the 1st dress is good enough for a wedding
Reply:J Crew has very pretty formal dresses go online to the wedding section and you should find something there if not. Good Luck!





http://www.jcrew.com/ms/weddingshop/wedd...
Reply:ascertain what colour the bridesmaids are wearing, and the colour theme.


then match--no point clashing green with purple.








go for pretty, delicate, non-slutty, unagressive styles, and comfortable heels, for you WILL be on your feet all day, all night, and most likely have to deal with grass, cobblestone, stairs and all the major heel-wearing hazards.








play fair-it is considered very bad form to upstage the bride at her own wedding. it is not fair to give the groom doubts.





no white, no black.


no white-you%26#039;re not the bride, and you don%26#039;t intend to jilt her at the last minute


no black- this ain%26#039;t no funeral, honey.








DRESSES


try:


http://www.flickr.com/photos/54173301@N0...





http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2192/2285...





(dunno where those are form)











from Gap:


http://www.thebudgetfashionista.com/imag...





Juicy Couture:


http://z.about.com/d/teenfashion/1/7/P/4...





Juicy Couture:


http://www.girlshandbook.com/uploaded_im...





Juicy Couture: (put a mini-jacket over as well)


http://www.viecouture.com/wp-content/upl...





Juicy Couture:


http://www.outblush.com/women/images/200...





Armani Exchange:


http://img2.timeinc.net/instyle/images/2...


http://lindsaystyle.hollywood.com/images...





Gucci:


http://www.bbc.co.uk/manchester/content/...





Burberry:


http://www.bunnyshop.org/photos/uncatego...





Chanel:


http://www.etonline.com/photo/2007/07/25...








CD:


http://www.memphisvintage.com/websitepho...























BAGS:


Juicy: http://www.viecouture.com/wp-content/upl...


http://www.germes-online.com/direct/dbim...


http://www.bonluxury.com/pic/20078811052...


http://www.lockergnome.com/designerbags/...


LV: http://image.ec21.com/image/ehfashion/pr...


http://shinymedia.headshift.com/images/p...





ACCESSORIES





Juicy: (so cute!) http://www.bglam.com/uploaded_images/jui...





Jicy: (hang this on your ahndbag/clutch!)


http://www.nitrolicious.com/blog/wp-gall...

















yeah hope that helps!


sorry if my list is limited to all those brands, but those places are usually where i shop, so i don%26#039;t know other places! (:





those dresses and bags are fab!
Reply:http://www.comparestoreprices.co.uk/imag...








this dress would look fabulous with your colouring, its easy to accessorize and will accentuate your figure without being slutty. Its formal enough for a day wedding, and glamorous enough for a nightime reception



skin spots

What should I wear to a wedding?

Okay, I did already ask this question yesterday, but I didn%26#039;t get the response I was looking for. I got a lot of nice feedback, but I would really have liked more links of pictures of an item where I can actually purchase it as well.





Remember:


-it%26#039;s a formal wedding


-it%26#039;s in a hotel


-it%26#039;s in Miami


-on June 1st (or around there)


-I%26#039;m the best man%26#039;s date (the groom%26#039;s brother and technically)


-I believe the reception will start in the afternoon, but the celebration will go into evening


-meeting MANY new people





PICTURES:


-me a few months ago in a dress:


http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=10s7o0k%26amp;...





my body is basically the same now


but here%26#039;s a pic of my face I just took on my webcam: http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=6ftmx4%26amp;s...





PLEASE FIND MY PERFECT DRESS FOR THIS OCCASION!





Accessories would be very helpful as well


(purse/clutch, shoes, jewelry, etc.)





Best answer will be given in 2-3 days.

What should I wear to a wedding?
For inexpensive wedding jewelry ideas, you may want to check out http://www.glamforless.com/Jewelry.htm
Reply:Nothing to low cut. Sleeveless is ok. Black is ok, but definitely do not wear white. Something Season appropriate but not to flashy or showy. You don%26#039;t want to overshadow the bride! Good luck and Have fun!
Reply:a light colored dress will look good on your gown. just remember that its your wedding, always try to think positive things so that you will look good and feel good.
Reply:i love the dress but not the color, maybe you could wear alight pink or baby blue would look great with your coloring and hair hope this helps
Reply:I think that you would REALLY look good in a deep purple dress. you could also wear a simple fake (or real) diamond necklace
Reply:topless only a white tanga
Reply:dress looks real good! same style, shiny silver gold,
Reply:You are SO CUTE! You look great in the dress in that picture.





What color(s) is the best man (your date) wearing? Try to kinda match him.





Like for example if he is wearing black and white you should wear like a tiny %26amp; sexy black dress with black pumps and white accessories.





Just an idea ~ hope it helps hun ^_^





THIS WOULD LOOK SO HOT ON YOU!


http://www.dillards.com/webapp/wcs/store...
Reply:DRESSES:


http://www.cache.com/cache/control/produ...


this dress is kind of like the one in the picture if you liked it.


http://expressfashion.com/products.jsp?c...


theres no link to the actual dress but its the one in the second row middle called double strap knit cami dress. either white or print would work.


http://www.target.com/Isaac-Mizrahi-Targ...


this is good for backup because it will go with almost anything.


SHOES:


http://www.target.com/Mossimo-Heulwen-Sp...


very cute!


http://www.target.com/Mossimo-Hailey-Kno...


i have these once you break them in very comfy!


http://www.target.com/Mossimo-Halle-Glit...


probably should wear comfort shoe pads with these


PURSE/CLUTCH:


http://www.target.com/Merona-Satin-Frame...


simple, will go with most anything


http://www.target.com/xhilaration-Xhilar...


i think this is pretty cool


http://www.target.com/Merona-Satin-Clutc...


REALLY like this one for a wedding.





ok well i think ive covered everything. good luck!!!


sorry i forgot jewerly!!


JEWLERY:


http://www.kohls.com/kohlsStore/jewelry/...


a bit expensive but if money is no problem...


http://www.kohls.com/kohlsStore/jewelry/...


i like this one classic


http://www.target.com/gp/detail.html/ref...


if you are on an extreme budget pearls are great and these are only 13 dollars!!!


http://www.target.com/Sterling-Vermeil-G...


i really like this. very pretty!



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