How could this happen? Dana’s life would have been perfect. Her hobby, being home schooled, and everything else. She missed her books, her hair, her mom, and Gwen! Her mom was always commenting on how Dana’s eyes sparkled when she read. If only she could have known this would happen. Then everything would have been okay, she could have brought some books and said goodbye. How would she ever get home? Did the old her disappear or was the she was now in her place?
So what was happening in this person’s life? Her name was Josephine and there was something about her going to America? Dana just could not remember. Someone calling her interrupted Dana’s thinking.
“Jo! Get up or we’ll be late!” A minute later, a young man walked into the room. His dark hair was cut short and close to his head, his dull blue eyes were like the ocean before a storm.
“Where are we going?” Josephine asked.
“We have to be in Queenstown by 3:00PM.” He answered.
“What ship are we traveling on?”
“We are traveling on the RMS Titanic. She is supposedly unsinkable. I bought 2nd class tickets. I heard even the 3rd class accommodations are grand.”
“Did you say Titanic?”
“Yes. I call Betsy to help you dress.” he said“, Betsy!”
A young girl scurried into the room. She looked around 14 or 15. She had beautiful hair. It was the classic red-brown hair of an Irish person. She wore a plain brown dress with a white apron over.
Betsy picked up a corset and put it close to where Jo was standing. Betsy stood behind Jo as she unbuttoned her nightgown. It was loose fitting and soon slid off Jo’s shoulders. Betsy picked up the corset, Jo stepped into it, and the maid soon started to tighten it until Jo thought she couldn’t breathe. Next, the maid picked up a beautiful green silk dress with layers of white lace. Dana put the dress on and Betsy buttoned the back. Betsy was now combing my fiery red hair hair. As she tugged hard to get the brush through my curly hair. The she coiled it and stuck in a butterfly comb. She left me to put on my own shoes; I slipped on white high shoes. I was kneeling next to my trunk for clothes and other things. Then I opened up the lid to have a light fragrance of lavender come out. I pushed the clothes on top to reveal stacks of books.
“Jo, come out now we have to go!” The young man called.
“I’ll be right out.” I called.
I hurried toward the doorway where the young man stood. He lead my out to a black shiny automobile. The driver opened the and stuck out a hand to help my in. I stepped inside and sat down on the black leather seat facing the sliding window. My brother sat down next to my and the driver closed the door and got in the drivers seat, blocking my view out the sliding window in front of me. The automobile started with a lot of noise and we were on the dusty road toward the city of Queenstown, Ireland. With the excitement of going toward the vast open Atlantic Ocean, I had forgotten the corset, which now was having a large affect on my breathing.
Soon the automobile was close enough to the Ocean to smell the clean salty air. That wonderful smell was soon covered by the smells of the city. Everywhere there was noise, dust, and automobile exhaust. People were yelling and shouting. Then I saw the famous ship, the RMS Titanic, all the din of the city was covered by the grandness of Titanic. It really was amazing. I was surprised to think that it would soon be in the icy Atlantic. The automobile had now stopped and the driver opened the door and my brother was greeted by, “Your destination, Mr. Scully.” The driver said proudly, for making good time. My brother held out his hand to help my out of the car. The entire time all I thought about was the fact that Titanic would sink, and I would be on it. A man came up and asked for my brother to go check in the luggage. My brother responded my saying, “If you would be so kind as to do that for me it would be wonderful,” then he slipped a ten dollar bill into the man’s gloved hand.
Can you please give me feedback on this piece??? Please read everything! give good and bad points please!?
The story flows nicely, but it is confusing because of all the names. I don%26#039;t know who Dana is. At first I thought the persona telling the story was Dana and then she turns out to be Josephine. Then we have Gwen so I think you have to make it more clear that there is a shift in place or time or something. I like the descriptions.. You have some %26quot;my%26quot;s instead of %26quot;me%26quot;s and a few other typos, but it has potential.
You need to get the history right in order to be believable. If you were boarding the Titanic in Queenstown, Ireland, would your brother be tipping in dollars? The best thing to do is to make an outline of the plot and the historical settings to make sure everything is accurate and that your shifting from one time to another is very controlled.
Good luck with this. Do continue on and write more than you think you need because it is easier to pare something down than to pad it later.
Reply:You lost me while she was getting dressed. I don%26#039;t need a play by play, my imagination can do some of the work. Normally, I would try to stick it out, hoping it will get better. But as it is, I had no interest in continuing the story. This is not a professional opinion but one of an avid reader. The storyline has potential. I just think you need to keep working on it.
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