Men's Dress Shoes: April 2009

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Anyone who speaks Spanish can you help?

Can you translate these six sentences for me? I promise I%26#039;ve already translated them, I just wanna see how close I got to getting them right.

1) Ladies wore platform shoes

2)Ladies wore new types of suits. Sweaters matched skirts and evening dresses.

3)Men wore %26#039;zoot suits%26#039;

4)Boy wore regular jeans and T-shirts

5)Ruffles were on skirt hems, necklines and waists. Blouses had puffy sleeves.

6)Men%26#039;s shirts were made in bright colors. They had hand painted ties.

Anyone who speaks Spanish can you help?
Is it something like this?

1) Las señoras usaron los zapatos de la plataforma que

2) señoras usaron nuevos tipos de juegos. Faldas y vestidos de noche emparejados suéteres.

3) Los hombres usaron el “zoot satisfacen”) a muchacho

4 usaron los pantalones vaqueros regulares y las camisetas 5) colmenas estaban en los dobladillos, los necklines y las cinturas de la falda. Las blusas tenían mangas puffy.

6) Las camisas de los hombres fueron hechas en colores brillantes. Tenían lazos pintados a mano.
Reply:1) damas llevaron zapatos de plataforma 2) Damas llevaron nuevos tipos de juicios. Los suéteres emparejaron vestidos de faldas y tarde. 3) hombres llevaron los %26quot;juicios de zoot%26quot; 4) Chico llevó vaqueros y camisetas regulares

5) Eriza estuvieron en dobladillos de falda, los escotes y las cinturas. Las blusas tuvieron mangas hinchadas. 6) hombres%26#039; camisas de s fueron hechas en colores brillantes. Ellos tuvieron mano corbatas pintadas.
Reply:Check your work here:

Translators:

Babel-fish: http://babelfish.altavista.com/translate...

Merriam-WEBSTER: http://www.m-w.com/store/books_and_cds.h...

peeling skin

Good Skit?

A joke for the military. Will you enjoy it?

God Bless yall.

You know that you have been in Iraq too long when...

1. You call the barracks home.

2. The girl that was a 2 is now a 5.

3. You use words like %26quot;roger%26quot;, %26quot;negative%26quot;, and %26quot;say again%26quot; in normal

conversation.

4. You go home for vacation.

5. The girl with the hairy legs and upper lip is the hot one.

6. Card board boxes are your desk.

7. You%26#039;re over 20 years old and sleeping in a bunk bed.

8. You buy a DVD with 5 movies on it for $5 and feel like you got

ripped

off.

9. You don%26#039;t pause your game because of mortars.

10. You lose weight because %26quot;I just can%26#039;t eat that again.%26quot;

11. You never know what day it is.

12. Getting a good meal involves a quarter-mile hike.

13. You get called a hippie because your hair is 1 inch long.

14. You%26#039;re happy when it%26#039;s ONLY 110 degrees.

15. Going to the bathroom involves shoes, a flashlight, and body armor.

16. Seeing a tank roll past is no longer cool.

17. All your clothes look the same.

18. You don%26#039;t fix the hole in the crotch of your pants because %26quot;it%26#039;s

good ventilation.%26quot;

19. You walk into a store with a rifle and nobody cares.

20. Your family knows what%26#039;s going on before you do.

21. Everything you own fits in a 3 foot by 3 foot area.

22. 80 degrees is cold.

23. A man in a dress doesn%26#039;t seem wierd.

24. Good sleep is 5 hours.

25. Someone gets shot and you%26#039;re mad because now the phones will be

down.

26. You%26#039;ve read more books in 3 months than you did in the rest of your

life.

27. You%26#039;re so bored that you hope someone will start shooting at you

today.

28. You can%26#039;t pronounce your interpreter%26#039;s name, so you call him %26quot;Bob%26quot;.

29. You wish that the guy you%26#039;re searching ONLY had B.O.

30. You hear a boom and you know if it was a mortar or a rocket.

31. After almost being hit by a mortar, you and your buddy start

laughing.

32. Half of the people you meet are named %26quot;Muhammed%26quot; or %26quot;Ali.%26quot;

33. You catch three of your buddies watching %26quot;The Notebook%26quot;, and

without

making fun of them, you sit down and watch.

34. You shower with shoes on.

35. You%26#039;re so bored that you don%26#039;t stop your buddy from telling a story

that you%26#039;ve already heard 10 times this week.

36. The snoring around you is %26quot;soothing%26quot;.

37. Listening to the radio is less important than watching the fly

strip.

38. The mouse in your area is now a pet.

39. You buy Gold Bond powder in bulk.

40. You can tell the difference between American and Iraqi Pepsi.

41. You hear a familiar rap song, but you don%26#039;t understand the words.

42. You bet on when and where the next rocket will hit.

43. You feel naked without your rifle.

44. You buy a Rolex that%26#039;s not a Rolex on purpose.

45. You%26#039;re happy because you get to shoot at a tailgater.

46. Your favorite food is Cup %26#039;O Noodle.

47. You haven%26#039;t seen a cloud in months.

48. Your buddies help shave each other%26#039;s backs.

49. You dream in night vision.

50. The last time you were home you didn%26#039;t have kids.

51. All you see are trash drifts instead of snow drifts.

52. If you have ever said, %26quot;It%26#039;s not that bad here.%26quot;

53. Farting is a contest.

54. Everyone you don%26#039;t know calls you %26quot;Mister%26quot;.

55. You don%26#039;t notice the 40 lbs of body armor anymore.

56. You know what a %26quot;Hesco%26quot; is.

57. Privacy is a sheet.

58. You see an E-7 working.

59. A plate that holds food is the %26quot;hook-up%26quot;.

60. You dress up for Halloween in your normal clothes.

61. You spend large sums of money to buy your favorite TV shows on DVD.

62. You rely on the food you get in packages you get from home for

survival.

63. All your white socks are now tan.

64. You go to the Port-O-John to get away from the smell outside.

65. You wear your clothes for four days to save on wash time.

66. You know your friends by smell.

67. The sight of a man%26#039;s naked but is no longer alarming.

68. You have ever yelled, %26quot;Who took the last can of Beanie-Weenies?%26quot;

69. You don%26#039;t need an interpreter to understand your interpreter.

70. You will put your life on the line to get a good picture.

71. You buy an Airsoft pistol because the Army won%26#039;t give you a real

one.

72. You have huge speakers that you never use.

73. Your wife asks you what time it is there and you answer,

%26quot;Twenty-one

hundred.%26quot;

74. You really would kill for Burger King.

75. The last forest you were in was a camo net.

76. You set booby traps for the foxes in your area.

77. You take bets on what gridline the next IED will explode.

78. When it feels good to patrol the MSR just to get off the FOB.

A joke for the military. Will you enjoy it?
My husband is there now.. and THANK YOU for the laugh... it really improved my day a litte. Humor is my favorite way of dealing with everything This actually helped
Reply:thats really not that funny to anyone who has a loved one there
Reply:I have two buddies there one in the Navy and one in the Army well the Army one isn%26#039;t there yet I don%26#039;t believe.

I think they would laugh though
Reply:Thanks, I%26#039;ll pass it on!
Reply:Funny except for these two:

2. The girl that was a 2 is now a 5.

50. The last time you were home you didn%26#039;t have kids.
Reply:So true/
Reply:i have a son over %26#039;in the sandbox%26#039;, so, while i couldn%26#039;t laugh (it%26#039;s a tense time, right now), it did make me smile, a bit....(and i copied it, to send to him, as well.....)

thanks.
Reply:It%26#039;s funny because it%26#039;s its true. I have been there and done that. What%26#039;s realy bad are the jokes we say when we are there.
Reply:This a joke that is sad and funny at the same time.
Reply:thats pretty true. I%26#039;m not going to ever be parted with my rifle.

teeth

Good Skit?

The students in my class-inluding-me have been given an assignment to write and perform a skit that is at least 3-6 min. long. The topic chosen by my group is Love and Marriage in the Middle Ages. I wrote this skit, and i was wondering if it is good? What can I do to improve? Please and thank you! P.S. due to the time constraints all of the details such as the marriage ceremony itself is not perfect.

Skit Outline

Topic: Medieval Love and Marriage

Scene 1

Setting: Jesse and Evangeline sneak out to a tiny tent belonging to Jesse in Lord Cadman’s manor to talk.

Evangeline: Jesse, I have some terrible news. I am afraid that my bitter, envious mother had already made my marital arrangements, and it is no one you are going to like.

Jesse: What are you talking about my love?

Evangeline: (sounding sad and angry) I have to be bethrowed to no other than your Lord, Cadman; the same Lord Cadman who owns this very manor. He is certainly the wealthiest, cruelest, being alive.

Jesse: (freaking out) What are we to do? Is there no way to tell your parents we are in love? Would you like to elope? I shall do anything to please you as long as we shall be together.

Evangeline: I am afraid there is nothing we can do. You know how marriages these days work. We women have no choice! We mustn’t tell anyone of our affair for they may kill you! It is best we do not see each other very often. It will certainly help me trying to move on. How shall I ever love another man?

End of Scene

Scene 2

The wedding takes place in a highly decorated church.

The Priest: (speaking to everyone in church) Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God to join together this Man and this Woman in holy Matrimony; which is an honorable estate, instituted of God in Paradise, and into which holy estate these two persons present come now to be joined. Therefore if any man can shew any just cause, why they may not lawfully be joined together, let him now speak, or else hereafter for ever hold his peace.

(speaking to Lord Cadman) Lord Cadman, wilt thou have this Woman to be thy wedded wife, to live together after God%26#039;s ordinance in the holy estate of Matrimony? Wilt thou love her, comfort her, honor, and keep her, in sickness and in health; and forsaking all other, keep thee only unto her, so long as ye both shall live?

Lord Cadman: I will

Priest: (speaking to Evangeline) Wilt thou have this man to be thy wedded husband, to live together after God’s ordinance in the holy estate of Matrimony? Wilt thou obey him, and serve him, love, honor, and keep him in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all other, keep thee only unto him, so long as ye both shall live?

Evangeline: (crying/sobbing) I will

Priest: Who giveth this Woman to be married to this Man?

Kathleen: I do

Kathleen places Evangeline’s right hand in the hand of the minister then sits back down

The Priest places Evangeline’s right hand in Lord Cadman’s and follows after the priest

Lord Cadman and Priest: I Lord Cadman take thee Lady Evangeline of Ireland to my wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, till death us depart, according to God’s holy ordinance; and thereunto I plight thee my troth.

Lord Cadman places his right hand in Evangeline’s

Evangeline and Priest: I Lady Evangeline of Ireland take thee Lord Cadman to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, till death us depart, according to God’s holy ordinance, and thereunto I plight thee my troth.

Cadman shall give one ring to Evangeline and give the a duplicate as well as a book to the Priest

Priest: (blessing rings) Bless these Rings, O merciful Lord, that those who wear them, that give and receive them, may be ever faithful to one another, remain in your peace, and live and grow old together in your love, under their own vine and fig tree, and seeing their children%26#039;s children. Amen.

Priest gives ring to Cadman and Cadman places the ring on Evangeline’s fourth finger, holds the ring and says:

Cadman: With this Ring I thee wed, (here placing it upon her thumb) and (here placing it upon her index finger) (here placing it upon her ring finger) In the Name of the Father, Amen.

Then join bride and grooms hands

Priest: I now pronounce thee Man and Wife

(speaking to bride and groom) Those whom God hath joined together let no man put asunder.

Cadman: (exiting) Come, let us all fill our bellies with the successfully harvested food!

Scene 3

Evangeline: (packing her things to leave as her voice reads the letter in the background-by recording her voice)

Letter: Dear Jesse, life here has been horrible. There has never been a day where you haven’t been in my thoughts. Every time I see that darned Cadman’s face I want to vomit and deeply wish for your comfort. How can I fall in love with a groom who was chosen for me like so many others do, when I am in love with you? If you were at the wedding you would have been fooled by his false smiles and fake laughs just as anyone else would have; but it only takes a week and a half for a human being to be truly disgusted with him.

Lord Cadman storms in

Cadman: (rudely) Meet me in the parlor in twenty minutes!

Finishing Letter: I do not think I can play this game any longer, which is why I have decided we should elope. Maybe I am being foolish or crazy to flee from a powerful man’s home, but it is best that I follow my heart. I will come to you with the little I have, since I will not accept any belongings Lord Cadman bestowed upon me. I have only my wedding dress as well as my filthy gown which has grown too small. Jewelry, shoes, nightgowns, these were all things I had before, but now I am left with nothing. The other wives weren’t exaggerating when they said husbands controlled their wives. I shall see you soon one way or another. Love, Evangeline.

Holding up “One Week Later” sign

Evangeline: Oh I can’t wait to see Jesse! I am so furious at Lord Cadman to whom I am betrothed!

Good Skit?
Hub is very correct. I would add a few things.

#1You don%26#039;t have to say%26quot;nowadays%26quot; describing marriage arrangements. That sounds like a recent change.Arranged marriages were the norm for most people in most cultures going back to prehistory.

#2Establish for the audience exactly what Jesse%26#039;s age, social class (and occupatuion if anything but a nobleman) where he is from and what resources his kin might have or have not.Obviously he is not as wealthy or connected to the King%26#039;s court or there would be no problem in the first place

#3 If he is anything but a nobleman with his own estate, he is done for. He will most definitely be hunted down and dragged back to face punishment.Most likely death. There were few places to hide if an overlord was looking for one of his vassals or serfs. The few independent cities could be a refuge from serf bondage and only if you could hide successfuly for a year and a day

#4 The couple could not even ask for %26quot;sanctuary%26quot; in a church,monastery or convent since they are not only breaking a civil law by running away but they are also more importantly breaking church law by breaking a marriage vow.Divorces were extremly rare then,almost unheard of. The Church did not support or allow it. More likely E would be killed by her husband for the crime of adultery with consent from the legal system and the local diocese.

#5. Cruelty was not a good enough reason for ending a marriage then

#6 The only way out for E would be if her husband took pity on her and had the marriage %26quot;annulled%26quot; before they slept together. But since he is not very nice this seems unlikely.

#7 If E is a lady then use the name of a smaller place than an entire country like %26quot;Ireland%26quot;.That would be reserved for a much higher noble like a princess or perhaps duchess. If she was that well off she would not be pushed into a bad marriage unless to a prince or king .Maybe pick out a particular county or place-name in Ireland if you need to add to her title.

#8 Another way out for the couple is to committ double suicide. Check out Shakespear%26#039;s %26quot;Romeo and Juliet%26quot;. That was in the Rennaisance but the ideas are pretty much the same.

I hope you understand that I%26#039;m not picking on you. If you consider what I have written you will have a better idea of how conditions were then

***idea: Make J another, perhaps not as wealthy ,nobleman. Have him interrupt the wedding ceremony declaring his love.Lord C will want to kill him.Lord J would risk his life and agree to Lord C%26#039;s challenge of a duel. Lord J as the challenged one gets to pick the type of weapons they will use. The fight would not occurr in the church but later at some appointed time. Someone will have to die.Hope this helps
Reply:Not bad. One way to improve it would be to show (not have a character tell about) the mother%26#039;s demanding that E. marry the wicked Cadman and to SHOW how Cadman mistreats E.

Remember that back then, no one married for love--one married the parent%26#039;s choice for property or power or both. So you could have E.%26#039;s mother explaining that.

I would eliminate the wedding scene, as that is more or less the same as today. Show how things were different then. Maybe show the the feast after the wedding , with Cadman mistreating E. there and talking about the heirs they were going to have together.

One big problem with the third scene is that E. and J. would not be able to run off together, especially if J is of a lower social class than E. Society was so compact back then that there was probably no place for them to go. So they probably would not even think of running off together.

beauty

Here's some for the ladies?

Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?

A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. How do men define a %26quot;50/50%26quot; relationship?

A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Q. How do men exercise on the beach?

A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?

A. Make him wear shoes.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A. Rename the mail folder %26quot;Instruction Manuals.%26quot;

Q. How does a man show he%26#039;s planning for the future?

A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?

A. All he%26#039;s concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?

A. Any place without a drive-up window.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?

A. Trustworthy.

Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man%26#039;s penis?

A. His body.

Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?

A. A power failure.

Q. What should you give a man who has everything?

A. A woman to show him how to work it.

Q. What do men and mascara have in common?

A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.

Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?

A. They either cling, run, or don%26#039;t fit right in the crotch!

Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?

A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Q. What%26#039;s a man%26#039;s definition of a romantic evening?

A. Sex.

Here%26#039;s some for the ladies?
hahahahahaha soooooooooo true, laughed at every one of them!!!

Go girl, kick some @ss!!!

LMFTO
Reply:A fave %26quot;man bashing%26quot; joke of mine...

Loving a man is like a deck of playing cards.

You need a heart to love him.

A diamond to marry him,

A club to smack him with

%26amp; a spade to bury the idiot!

Hahahaha some might find it distasteful but i think it%26#039;s hilarious!! :P
Reply:Good ones
Reply:thanks for the laugh
Reply:Funny!

The last one in that list is absolutely true.

regards, ATG.
Reply:Way to go ! Both your statements %26amp; malcolmgriggs%26#039; are true , but it is mark who has the best joke : %26quot; a decent bloke !?%26quot;
Reply:You definitely know men.
Reply:lol great lessons from life******
Reply:It%26#039;s no wonder you sound so aggrieved. You should find yourself a decent bloke...
Reply:great cant stop laughing will def pass these on
Reply:You really are a very sad person arent you?. Let me guess, all your friends have boyfriends and you never seem to get the good ones.

Here are some for the Men

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time your woman brings it to the couch.

Losing a wife can be hard. In most cases, it is damned near impossible.

Why was alcohol invented?

So fat women can get laid too.

A man complaining to a friend: %26quot;I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman... then... pow!... it was all gone!%26quot; %26quot;What happened?%26quot; asked the friend. %26quot;Ahhhh... my wife found out...%26quot;

Wife: Let%26#039;s go out and have some fun tonight.

Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, %26quot;Martha, pack up your things! I just won the National lottery!%26quot; Martha responds excitedly, %26quot;Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?!%26quot; The man responds, %26quot;I don%26#039;t care ... just so long as you%26#039;re out of the house by noon!%26quot;

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful.

I haven%26#039;t spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don%26#039;t like to interrupt her.

A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

If your wife and your lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to the cinema?

Why have women got small feet?

So they can get closer to the sink.

Why have women got legs?

To move between the kitchen and the bedroom.

How do you know when it%26#039;s time to wash dishes and clean the house?

Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it%26#039;s not time.

Why do women pay more attention to their faces than their minds?

Because even thought men may, at time, be a little stupid, they aren%26#039;t blind.

What%26#039;s the difference between a dog howling on the back porch, and a women howling on the front porch?

The dog shuts up when you let it in.

Did you hear about the new home appliance?

You screw it on the bed and it does all the housework.

Why does the bride always wear white?

Because it is always a good idea to have the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

How do you change a woman%26#039;s mind?

Buy her another beer.

How can you tell if your wife is dead?

The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Rules For Women

If you think you%26#039;re fat, you probably are.

Don%26#039;t ask us. We refuse to answer.

Men were born with a natural ability to

Fart, Swear, Consume copious amounts of alcohol,

play golf from 07:30 tee-off until 04:30 the next morning,

scratch our balls in public.

The morning after a dinner of Cabbage %26amp; Bacon and we take a dump

don%26#039;t ***** use the spare toilet.

Women need men to procreate. We don%26#039;t care about X and Y Chromosomes

as long as the package is delivered.

Shaving your patch is a turn-on. Deal with the itch.

We will assist in applying the anti-itch cream.

Farting in bed and holding your head under the duvet

can be construed as a national sport.

Pregnancy is just as tough for men .

for the first trimester nothing much needs to change it%26#039;s just not as regular,

For the 2nd trimester it%26#039;s less frequent and only Doggy style,

For the last trimester we have to practice coyote love

we sit in front of the hole and howl.

Learn to work the toilet seat. If it%26#039;s up, put it down.

Don%26#039;t cut your hair. Ever.

Long hair is always more attractive than short hair,

One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women

always cut their hair, and by then you%26#039;re stuck with her.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests

to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

If you ask a question you don%26#039;t want an answer to,

expect an answer you don%26#039;t want to hear.

Sometimes, we%26#039;re not thinking about you. Live with it.

Don%26#039;t ask us what we%26#039;re thinking about unless you are prepared

to discuss such topics as navel lint,

the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

Sunday = sports. It%26#039;s like the full moon or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport, and no, we%26#039;re never going to think of it that way.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.

Really. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail.

Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.

Ask for what you want. Let%26#039;s be clear on this one: Subtle hints don%26#039;t work.

Strong hints don%26#039;t work. Really obvious hints don%26#039;t work. Just say it.

No, we don%26#039;t know what day it is. We never will.

Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult.

We%26#039;re bound to miss sometimes.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think

we%26#039;d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty,

would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.

That%26#039;s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

Check your oil.

Fake it. We don%26#039;t care as long as we dump our load.

It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

No, it doesn%26#039;t matter which quiz.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

All comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won%26#039;t dress like the Victoria%26#039;s Secret girls,

don%26#039;t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways,

and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We%26#039;re going to look anyway; it%26#039;s genetic.

Don%26#039;t rub the lamp if you don%26#039;t want the genie to come out.

You can either ask us to do something OR

tell us how you want it done-not both.
Reply:These are funny!
Reply:He he he.....all so true
Reply:I love it !! Great one liners !!
Reply:they r great...well worth a star
Reply:Its a great list of jokes. Really enjoyed it.
Reply:You are my new hero!

God help the man that should be dating you. (lol)

Best site ive seen on here well funny!
Reply:hehe
Reply:hey..thats quite true too...haha star for you
Reply:yea very good have a star!!!
Reply:Ha ha ha....thanx for the laugh
Reply:yeah that%26#039;s a good joke, fav part is about the penis and his body ha,ha, ha
Reply:Like them
Reply:it was interesting and funny at the same time, kudos to you!
Reply:You go girl!!!!
Reply:hahaha! lol
Reply:OMG u r sooo spot on. EVERYONE of these are true (sadly :( xx)

:) xx
Reply:lol aww they%26#039;re adorable lmao at the last one
Reply:Hhahahahahahhahaaa, you femenist, lol.
Reply:funny
Reply:i loved them

especially the pantyhose one

knode-devel

What should I wear to a wedding?

Okay, I did already ask this question yesterday, but I didn%26#039;t get the response I was looking for. I got a lot of nice feedback, but I would really have liked more links of pictures of an item where I can actually purchase it as well.

Remember:

-it%26#039;s a formal wedding

-it%26#039;s in a hotel

-it%26#039;s in Miami

-on June 1st (or around there)

-I%26#039;m the best man%26#039;s date (the groom%26#039;s brother)

-I believe the reception will start in the afternoon, but the celebration will go into evening

-meeting MANY new people

PICTURES:

-me a few months ago in a dress:

http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=10s7o0k%26amp;...

my body is basically the same now

but here%26#039;s a pic of my face I just took on my webcam: http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=6ftmx4%26amp;s...

PLEASE FIND MY PERFECT DRESS FOR THIS OCCASION!

Accessories would be very helpful as well

(purse/clutch, shoes, jewelry, etc.)

Best answer will be given in 2-3 days.

What should I wear to a wedding?
I would advise to wear a very soft pastel green dress with spaghetti straps and that flows out at the bottom in a kind of chiffon, which ends just below your calf. Silver strappy sandals and clutch and a cream wrap and cream flower in your hair!
Reply:i dont think the 1st dress is good enough for a wedding
Reply:J Crew has very pretty formal dresses go online to the wedding section and you should find something there if not. Good Luck!

http://www.jcrew.com/ms/weddingshop/wedd...
Reply:ascertain what colour the bridesmaids are wearing, and the colour theme.

then match--no point clashing green with purple.

go for pretty, delicate, non-slutty, unagressive styles, and comfortable heels, for you WILL be on your feet all day, all night, and most likely have to deal with grass, cobblestone, stairs and all the major heel-wearing hazards.

play fair-it is considered very bad form to upstage the bride at her own wedding. it is not fair to give the groom doubts.

no white, no black.

no white-you%26#039;re not the bride, and you don%26#039;t intend to jilt her at the last minute

no black- this ain%26#039;t no funeral, honey.

DRESSES

try:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/54173301@N0...

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2192/2285...

(dunno where those are form)

from Gap:

http://www.thebudgetfashionista.com/imag...

Juicy Couture:

http://z.about.com/d/teenfashion/1/7/P/4...

Juicy Couture:

http://www.girlshandbook.com/uploaded_im...

Juicy Couture: (put a mini-jacket over as well)

http://www.viecouture.com/wp-content/upl...

Juicy Couture:

http://www.outblush.com/women/images/200...

Armani Exchange:

http://img2.timeinc.net/instyle/images/2...

http://lindsaystyle.hollywood.com/images...

Gucci:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/manchester/content/...

Burberry:

http://www.bunnyshop.org/photos/uncatego...

Chanel:

http://www.etonline.com/photo/2007/07/25...

CD:

http://www.memphisvintage.com/websitepho...

BAGS:

Juicy: http://www.viecouture.com/wp-content/upl...

http://www.germes-online.com/direct/dbim...

http://www.bonluxury.com/pic/20078811052...

http://www.lockergnome.com/designerbags/...

LV: http://image.ec21.com/image/ehfashion/pr...

http://shinymedia.headshift.com/images/p...

ACCESSORIES

Juicy: (so cute!) http://www.bglam.com/uploaded_images/jui...

Jicy: (hang this on your ahndbag/clutch!)

http://www.nitrolicious.com/blog/wp-gall...

yeah hope that helps!

sorry if my list is limited to all those brands, but those places are usually where i shop, so i don%26#039;t know other places! (:

those dresses and bags are fab!
Reply:http://www.comparestoreprices.co.uk/imag...

this dress would look fabulous with your colouring, its easy to accessorize and will accentuate your figure without being slutty. Its formal enough for a day wedding, and glamorous enough for a nightime reception

skin spots

What should I wear to a wedding?

Okay, I did already ask this question yesterday, but I didn%26#039;t get the response I was looking for. I got a lot of nice feedback, but I would really have liked more links of pictures of an item where I can actually purchase it as well.

Remember:

-it%26#039;s a formal wedding

-it%26#039;s in a hotel

-it%26#039;s in Miami

-on June 1st (or around there)

-I%26#039;m the best man%26#039;s date (the groom%26#039;s brother and technically)

-I believe the reception will start in the afternoon, but the celebration will go into evening

-meeting MANY new people

PICTURES:

-me a few months ago in a dress:

http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=10s7o0k%26amp;...

my body is basically the same now

but here%26#039;s a pic of my face I just took on my webcam: http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=6ftmx4%26amp;s...

PLEASE FIND MY PERFECT DRESS FOR THIS OCCASION!

Accessories would be very helpful as well

(purse/clutch, shoes, jewelry, etc.)

Best answer will be given in 2-3 days.

What should I wear to a wedding?
For inexpensive wedding jewelry ideas, you may want to check out http://www.glamforless.com/Jewelry.htm
Reply:Nothing to low cut. Sleeveless is ok. Black is ok, but definitely do not wear white. Something Season appropriate but not to flashy or showy. You don%26#039;t want to overshadow the bride! Good luck and Have fun!
Reply:a light colored dress will look good on your gown. just remember that its your wedding, always try to think positive things so that you will look good and feel good.
Reply:i love the dress but not the color, maybe you could wear alight pink or baby blue would look great with your coloring and hair hope this helps
Reply:I think that you would REALLY look good in a deep purple dress. you could also wear a simple fake (or real) diamond necklace
Reply:topless only a white tanga
Reply:dress looks real good! same style, shiny silver gold,
Reply:You are SO CUTE! You look great in the dress in that picture.

What color(s) is the best man (your date) wearing? Try to kinda match him.

Like for example if he is wearing black and white you should wear like a tiny %26amp; sexy black dress with black pumps and white accessories.

Just an idea ~ hope it helps hun ^_^

THIS WOULD LOOK SO HOT ON YOU!

http://www.dillards.com/webapp/wcs/store...
Reply:DRESSES:

http://www.cache.com/cache/control/produ...

this dress is kind of like the one in the picture if you liked it.

http://expressfashion.com/products.jsp?c...

theres no link to the actual dress but its the one in the second row middle called double strap knit cami dress. either white or print would work.

http://www.target.com/Isaac-Mizrahi-Targ...

this is good for backup because it will go with almost anything.

SHOES:

http://www.target.com/Mossimo-Heulwen-Sp...

very cute!

http://www.target.com/Mossimo-Hailey-Kno...

i have these once you break them in very comfy!

http://www.target.com/Mossimo-Halle-Glit...

probably should wear comfort shoe pads with these

PURSE/CLUTCH:

http://www.target.com/Merona-Satin-Frame...

simple, will go with most anything

http://www.target.com/xhilaration-Xhilar...

i think this is pretty cool

http://www.target.com/Merona-Satin-Clutc...

REALLY like this one for a wedding.

ok well i think ive covered everything. good luck!!!

sorry i forgot jewerly!!

JEWLERY:

http://www.kohls.com/kohlsStore/jewelry/...

a bit expensive but if money is no problem...

http://www.kohls.com/kohlsStore/jewelry/...

i like this one classic

http://www.target.com/gp/detail.html/ref...

if you are on an extreme budget pearls are great and these are only 13 dollars!!!

http://www.target.com/Sterling-Vermeil-G...

i really like this. very pretty!

acne cure

Why don't young women wear NYLONS anymore?

How come so many young women will %26quot;dress up%26quot; say...for a dance or something.....wear high-heel, fancy shoes...with NO NYLONS? The next day they are walking around with that disgusting little bandaid on their heel. Few things like the sheer, nylon-clad legs/feet of women to turn a man%26#039;s head.

It just %26quot;completes%26quot; the %26quot;look%26quot;.

Why, all of a sudden is it so %26quot;granny%26quot; to wear em?

They have assorted colors/patterns......I just don%26#039;t get it.

Why don%26#039;t young women wear NYLONS anymore?
I am under 25 and wear nylons everyday, to work, and to clubs in the evening. I think that cheap pantyhose has caused a prejudice against all nylons. Pantyhose are mostly Lycra anyway, that%26#039;s why I only wear real 100% nylon stockings and a garter belt. Much more sophisticated, cooler, and sexier.

There is nothing worse than a pair of cheap high heeled sandals with painted toes and bare legs. Leave them to the streetwalkers, that%26#039;s all they can afford.
Reply:wear them and u will know why
Reply:In the summer too hot
Reply:Well if you are a woman you should know why no one wears them, and if you are a man try some on amd wear them for a while and you%26#039;ll find out!
Reply:personally I love the way they look and so do most guys but I think they are just too itchy.
Reply:Because these days all the little sl*ts like to wear their thongs and wearing hose ruins the effect.

Plus, colors and patterns in hose are very out. No one but little girls wears anything but nude.
Reply:summers are hot
Reply:I agree that nylons with SOME dresses and shoes are appropriate and do complete the look. HOWEVER - to those women that wear nylons with open toe shoes - STOP IT! It looks tacky and it%26#039;s wrong.
Reply:do what that women told u try them on, but time has changed, peoples sense of style has cahnged also, i would rather hav brused heels then wear them
Reply:coz they shave their legs so much, that is is as rough as glasspaper!!...that obviously makes the nylon stocking a one-use disposable pair of socks!!!
Reply:Cuz they are stupid. Its granny to wear granny hose. Stockings and garter belt are very in with the younger girls.

Too hot in summer? Are these girls on a road gang? I don%26#039;t get it, I have an air conditioned apartment, A/C in my car, and my office is so cold all the women wear sweaters, cuz, God forbid the guys in the suits can,t sweat. What if one of the guys came to work in a 3 piece suit, with open sandals and bare feet like some women try. All hell would break loose.

I ain%26#039;t the best looking of the bunch, but guess who gets the guys and the barelegged gang put out like rabbits. Your right, almost every guy I meet goes insane over my nylons, ant the best thing is I do too. It%26#039;s Win Win all the way to the stocking store for me.
Reply:Have you ever worn those things? Every two minutes they catch on something and next thing you know, you have a run. They are nothing but a pain in the *** and they break too easily.
Reply:I wear them when I want to look dressy or very formal - or to impress! Ultra sheer hosiery makes my svelte legs and dainty feet look so unabashidly perfect -very sensual! It is just more work to wear hosiery, and like the previous posters have said they are uncomfortable and can be hot, even the ultra sheer varieties. My boyfriend loves when I wear ultra high stiletto peep toe pumps with nude ultra sheer hosiery, toe rings and an anklet. ( He becomes absolute PUTTY in my hands - my every whim is met by him. Which makes wearing sexy ultra sheer hosiery well worth the effort!!)

Take heart, hosiery is coming back for fall 06.
Reply:If women have pretty, tan, long, nice legs..why cover them up with nylons, especially in the summer wear a skirt? Most women want to show off their sexy legs. Now if we are talking about a business event and a woman is not wearing nylons I think thats just whoreish.
Reply:I where nylons. Where I live a girl is too cold without them.

affiliate

Jokes for the girls?

MEN JOKES!

What is the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?

Forty-five Minutes

What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?

Thank her.

When do you care for a man%26#039;s company?

When he owns it.

Why do men get married??

So they don%26#039;t have to hold their stomachs in anymore

What do men and used cars have in common?

They are both easy to get, cheap, and totally unrealiable.

Why are men like the weather.

Nothing can be done to change either of them.

What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A fairy tale.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn%26#039;t hold the pillow down long enough.

What should you give a man who has everything?

A woman to show him how to use it.

Why are blonde jokes so short?

So men can remember them.

How do men exercise on the beach?

By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a pretty girl.

How do you get a man to stop nibling his nails?

Make him wear shoes.

What do you call a man with an IQ of 50?

Gifted!

How does a man plan for the future?

He subscribes to two years of playboy instead of one.

Why do men whistle when they%26#039;re sitting on the toilet?

Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?

Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?

All he%26#039;s concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?

When it%26#039;s time to go back to his childhood, he%26#039;s already there.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about how good he screws.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?

Only one. If you slice him very thinly.

What did God say after creating man?

Geez...I can do better than that!

What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?

Any place with eating utensils and chairs.

What do you call a handcuffed man?

Trustworthy.

What do men and mascara have in common?

They both run when women cry!

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?

His wife picked his clothes!

What has ten arms and an IQ of 50?

Five guys watching a football game.

What is the difference between men and women?

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

What%26#039;s a man%26#039;s idea of honestly in a relationship?

Telling you his real name.

What%26#039;s the best way to force a man to do sit ups?

Put the remote control between his toes.

What%26#039;s the best way to torture a man to death?

Put a sexy blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him he can only pick one.

What%26#039;s the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?

Big Foot%26#039;s been spotted several times.

What%26#039;s the smartest thing a man can say?

%26quot;My wife says...%26quot;

What%26#039;s the quickest way to a man%26#039;s heart?

Straight through the rib cage.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?

So men can understand them.

Why can%26#039;t men get mad cow disease?

Because they%26#039;re all pigs.

Why did God create man before woman?

Practice makes perfect!

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?

To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why do little boys whine?

Because they are practicing to be men.

Why do men like smart women?

Opposites attract.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?

Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

What do you say when you find a sensitive caring man?

Hello, how%26#039;s your boyfriend?

Jokes for the girls?
I was having a horrible day and got home to argue with my boy friend. I read your jokes and called my best friend at the salon she put the cell on speakers and all the girls laugh to the jokes.

it was a good revenge for me.

Thank you for making us laugh :)

PS do you have more jokes?
Reply:1

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. %26quot;I’ll have some ******’ French toast,%26quot; he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. %26quot;Well, I guess that leaves more ******’ French toast for me,%26quot; he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. %26quot;I don’t know,%26quot; he says meekly, %26quot;but I definitely don’t want the ******’ French toast.%26quot;

2

My grandfather always said, %26quot;Don%26#039;t watch your money; watch your health.%26quot; So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. (Jackie Mason)

3

Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, %26quot;Hey, the sign says you%26#039;re open 24 hours.%26quot; He goes: %26quot;Not in a row!%26quot; (Steven Wright)

4

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: %26quot;Saul, sell your business.%26quot; He ignores it. It goes on for days. %26quot;Saul, sell your business for $3 million.%26quot; After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas.%26quot; He asks why. %26quot;Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas.%26quot; He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, %26quot;Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand.%26quot; He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. %26quot;Saul, take a card.%26quot; What? The dealer has -- %26quot;Take a card!%26quot; He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. %26quot;Saul, take another card.%26quot; What? %26quot;TAKE ANOTHER CARD!%26quot; He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. %26quot;Saul, take another card,%26quot; the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. %26quot;TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!%26quot; booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: %26quot;un-*******-believable!%26quot;

5

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. %26quot;Cold floors,%26quot; he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, %26quot;Bad food.%26quot; They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. %26quot;I quit,%26quot; he says. %26quot;That’s not surprising,%26quot; the elders say. %26quot;You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.%26quot;

6

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, %26quot;Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?%26quot; She said. %26quot;No. I hate myself now.%26quot; (Rodney Dangerfield)

7

A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, %26quot;please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back.%26quot; And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: %26quot;He had a hat!%26quot; (Myron Cohen)

8

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. %26quot;Here’s that $20 I owe you,%26quot; he says.

9

I went to my doctor and told him %26quot;my penis is burning.%26quot; He said, %26quot;That means somebody is talking about it.%26quot; (Garry Shandling)

10

A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, %26quot;Are you comfortable?%26quot; The guy says: %26quot;I make a good living.%26quot; (Henny Youngman)

11

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. %26quot;Are you gonna play golf?%26quot; he asks %26quot;Or are you just gonna **** around?%26quot;

12

A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, %26quot;Here’s a deal. I%26#039;ll open this alligator%26#039;s mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I%26#039;ll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.%26quot; The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator%26#039;s mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: %26quot;I%26#039;ll pay anyone $100 who%26#039;s willing to give it a try.%26quot; After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It%26#039;s a woman. %26quot;I%26#039;ll give it a try,%26quot; she says, %26quot;but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.%26quot;

13

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, %26quot;This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words.%26quot; The guy replies, %26quot;Hey, why not?%26quot; He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: %26quot;Paint…my…house.%26quot;

14

At a White House party, a woman approached Calvin Coolidge, famed for his silence, and said %26quot;Mr. President, I made a bet I can get more than two words out of you.%26quot; He replied: %26quot;You lose.%26quot;

15

L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there%26#039;s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson -- and when he shows up, they tell him there%26#039;ll be a ten-minute wait. (Bill Maher)

16

I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out. (Rodney Dangerfield)

17

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, %26quot;Doc, my brother%26#039;s crazy, he thinks he%26#039;s a chicken.%26quot; The doctor says, %26quot;Why don%26#039;t you turn him in?%26quot; The guy says, %26quot;We would. But we need the eggs.%26quot;

18

I was raised half Jewish and half Catholic. When I%26#039;d go to confession, I%26#039;d say %26quot;Bless me, father, for I have sinned -- and you know my attorney, Mr.Cohen.%26quot; (Bill Maher)

19

A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in **** up to their necks. The guy says %26quot;no, let me see the next room.%26quot; In the second room, people are standing with **** up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with **** up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, %26quot;I pick this room.%26quot; Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, %26quot;O.K., coffee break%26#039;s over. Everyone back on your heads!%26quot;

20

Jack Benny is walking down the street, when a stick-up man pulls out a gun and says %26quot;Your money or your life!%26quot; An extremely long silence follows. %26quot;Your money or your life!%26quot; the thug repeats. Finally Benny says %26quot;I’m thinking!%26quot;

21

A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. %26quot;Douchebag!%26quot; the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. %26quot;Your father just said a bad word,%26quot; he says. %26quot;I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?%26quot; His son looks at him and says: %26quot;Too late, douchebag.%26quot;

22

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, %26quot;What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a *******.%26quot; All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says %26quot;Don’t forget the coffee!%26quot;

23

I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother. (Henny Youngman)

24

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, %26quot;What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.%26quot; %26quot;I don%26#039;t need to outrun the bear,%26quot; the first guy says. %26quot;I just need to outrun you.%26quot;

25

TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you%26#039;ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn%26#039;t your biggest problem. (Jerry Seinfeld)

26

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scount. %26quot;This dog can speak English,%26quot; he claims to the unimpressed agent. %26quot;Okay, Sport,%26quot; the guys says to the dog, %26quot;what’s on the top of a house?%26quot; %26quot;Roof!%26quot; the dog replies. %26quot;Oh, come on...%26quot; the talent agent responds. %26quot;All dogs go ‘roof’.%26quot; %26quot;No, wait,%26quot; the guy says. He asks the dog %26quot;what does sandpaper feel like?%26quot; %26quot;Rough!%26quot; the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. %26quot;No, hang on,%26quot; the guy says. %26quot;This one will amaze you. %26quot; He turns and asks the dog: %26quot;Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?%26quot; %26quot;Ruth!%26quot; goes the dog. And the talent scount, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says %26quot;Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?%26quot;

27

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells %26quot;You should have been here at 8:30!%26quot; he replies: %26quot;Why? What happened at 8:30?%26quot;

28

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter. (Emo Philips)

29

A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, %26quot;Sir, you are drunk.%26quot; Churchill replies, %26quot;Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober.%26quot;

30

I was born a suspect. I can walk down any street in America and women will clutch their purses tighter, hold onto their Mace, lock their car doors. If I look up into the windows of the apartments I pass I can see old ladies on the phone. They’ve already dialed 9-1- and are just waiting for me to do something wrong. (Chris Rock)

31

I worked some gigs in the Deep South…Alabama…You talk about Darwin’s waiting room. There are guys in Alabama who are their own father. (Dennis Miller)

32

In football you wear a helmet; in baseball you wear a cap. Football is concerned with downs; baseball is concerned with ups. In football you receive a penalty; in baseball you make an error. In football the specialist comes in to kick; in baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody. (George Carlin)

33

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for thirty six hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for thirty-six hours. (Rita Rudner)

34

A guy has a parrot that can sing and speak beautifully. He takes it to the synagogue on Rosh Hashonah and makes a wager that the bird can conduct the High Holiday service better than the temple’s cantor. When the big moment comes, though, the parrot is silent. The guy is outraged. He takes the bird home and is about to kill it when the bird finally speaks: %26quot;Schmuck! Think of the odds we’ll get on Yom Kippur!%26quot;

35

At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn’t know gave me anything. Even the people I know don’t give me anything. (George Wallace)

36

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future. (Richard Jeni)

37

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee. (Abraham Lincoln)

38

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. (Jon Stewart)

39

This greasy spoon restaurant was so bad, on the menu there were even flies in the pictures. (Richard Lewis)

40

There’s always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says %26quot;Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, I’d fight him.%26quot; As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry. (Larry Miller)

41

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says %26quot;I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.%26quot;

42

I was thrown out of NYU. On my metaphysics final, they caught me cheating. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. (Woody Allen)

43

I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. They said %26quot;Can I help you?%26quot; and he said %26quot;No, I%26#039;m just looking.%26quot; (George Miller)

44

Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. They’ve heard one another’s material so much, they’ve reached the point where they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other – they just need to refer to each joke by a number. %26quot;Number 37!%26quot; cracks the first comic, and the others break up. %26quot;%26quot;Number 53!%26quot; says the second guy, and they howl. Finally, it’s the third comic’s turn. %26quot;44!%26quot; he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets. %26quot;What?%26quot; he asks, %26quot;Isn’t 44 funny?%26quot; %26quot;Sure, it’s usually hilarious,%26quot; they answer. %26quot;But the way you tell it…%26quot;

45

A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. %26quot;Father O’Malley,%26quot; he says, %26quot;my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better.%26quot; %26quot;My good man,%26quot; says the priest, %26quot;I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?%26quot; And the guy goes: %26quot;I’m telling everybody!%26quot;

46

Contrary to what most people would say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back, just trampling and eating everything they see. (Jack Handey)

47

The only thing I know about Africa is that it%26#039;s far, far away. About a thirty-five hour flight. The boat ride%26#039;s so long, there are still slaves on their way here. (Chris Rock)

48

Last year, I deducted 10, 697 cartons of cigarettes as a business expense. The tax man said, %26quot;Don’t ever let us catch you without a cigarette in your hand.%26quot; (Dick Gregory)

49

Animals may be our friends. But they won’t pick you up at the airport. (Bobcat Goldthwait)

50

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn%26#039;t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It%26#039;s Irv. %26quot;So there is an afterlife! What%26#039;s it like?%26quot; Sid asks. %26#039;Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day.%26quot; %26quot;Oh, my god,%26quot; says Sid %26quot;So that%26#039;s what heaven is like?%26quot; %26quot;Oh no,%26quot; says Irv. %26quot;I%26#039;m not in heaven. I%26#039;m a bear in Yellowstone Park.%26quot;

51

I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive. (Steven Wright)

52

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. (W.C. Fields)

53

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said %26quot;Stop! Don%26#039;t do it!%26quot; %26quot;Why shouldn%26#039;t I?%26quot; he said. %26quot;Well, there%26#039;s so much to live for!%26quot; %26quot;Like what?%26quot; %26quot;Well... are you religious?%26quot; He said yes. I said, %26quot;Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?%26quot; %26quot;Christian.%26quot; %26quot;Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? %26quot;Protestant.%26quot; %26quot;Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?%26quot; %26quot;Baptist%26quot; %26quot;Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?%26quot; %26quot;Baptist Church of God!%26quot; %26quot;Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?%26quot; %26quot;Reformed Baptist Church of God!%26quot; %26quot;Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?%26quot; He said, %26quot;Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!%26quot; I said, %26quot;Die, heretic scum%26quot;, and pushed him off. (Emo Philips)

54

Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, %26quot;You know, the food here is just terrible.%26quot; The other shakes her head and adds, %26quot;And such small portions.%26quot; (Woody Allen)

55

A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. %26quot;Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?%26quot; (Henny Youngman)

56

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why. (Redd Foxx)

57

I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me %26quot;what do you do at a red light?%26quot; I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio… (Bill Braudis).

58

China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you. (A. Whitney Brown)

59

Last time I was down South, I was in a restaurant and ordered some chicken, and these three cousins, you know the ones I mean, Klu, Kluck and Klan, come up and say %26quot;Boy, we’re givin’ you fair warnin’. Anything you do to that chicken, we’re gonna do to you.%26quot; So I put down my knife and fork, and I picked up that chicken, and I kissed it. (Dick Gregory)

60

If I ever have twins, I%26#039;d use one for parts. (Steven Wright)

61

A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, %26quot;Peace in the Middle east, that%26#039;s my wish.%26quot; The genie looks concerned, then says %26quot;No, I%26#039;m sorry, that%26#039;s just not possible. Some things just can%26#039;t be changed. Do you have another wish?%26quot; The guys says %26#039;Well...for my whole life I%26#039;ve never receievd oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish.%26quot; The genie pauses for another moment and then says %26quot;How would you define peace?%26quot;

62

Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, theyd’ say %26quot;Thank you.%26quot; That graduated into %26quot;Have a nice day.%26quot; That’s now escalated into %26quot;You care care of yourself, now.%26quot; The other day I paid my check – the waiter said, %26quot;Don’t put off that mammogram.%26quot; (Rita Rudner)

63

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. %26quot;There must be some mistake,%26quot; the lawyer argues. %26quot;I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five.%26quot; %26quot;Fifty five?%26quot; says Saint Peter. %26quot;No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two.%26quot; %26quot;How’s you get that?%26quot; the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: %26quot;We added up your time sheets.%26quot;

64

Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said %26quot;Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?%26quot; (Gilbert Gottfried)

65

An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral. %26quot;You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit%26quot; The mortician says %26quot;We’ll take care of it, ma’am%26quot; and yells back ‘%26quot;Ed, switch the heads on two and four!%26quot;

66

We had a depression fair in the back yard. A major game there was Pin the Blame on the Donkey. (Richard Lewis)

67

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, %26quot;What was that?!%26quot; (Jack Handey)

68

New York now leads the world%26#039;s great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn%26#039;t make a sudden move. (David Letterman)

69

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. (Ellen Degeneres)

70

I had a cab driver in Paris. The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse. (Dennis Miller)

71

Two ministers doing missionary work in the South Seas are captured by a tribe and tied to stakes. The chief says to them, %26quot;You have a choice – death, or ugga bugga.%26quot; The first guy says, %26quot;Well, I guess ugga bugga.%26quot; The chief shouts %26quot;UGGA BUGGA!%26quot; and 30 members of the tribe attack and sodomize the first missionary. The chief then asks the second minister, %26quot;Now you have a choice, death or ugga bugga.%26quot; He says %26quot;well, my religion does not allow me to choose ugga bugga, so I suppose it must be death.%26quot; The chief says, %26quot;Very well,%26quot; and shouts %26quot;DEATH. But first, UGGA BUGGA!

72

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks ‘Are you reading that?%26quot; I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again. (David Brenner).

73

These impossible women! How do they get around us! The poet was right: can’t live with them, or without them! (Aristophanes)

74

I went to the psychiatrist, and he says %26quot;You%26#039;re crazy %26quot; I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, ‘Okay, you%26#039;re ugly too!%26quot; (Rodney Dangerfield)

75

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. %26quot;I’ll go into town for a doctor,%26quot; the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. %26quot;I can’t leave,%26quot; the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.%26quot; The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?%26quot; the victim asks. %26quot;He says you’re gonna die.%26quot;

76

Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves. (Johnny Carson)

77

Take my wife…please (Henny Youngman)

78

A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. %26quot;I charge $50 for three questions,%26quot; the lawyer says. %26quot;That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?%26quot; the guy asks. %26quot;Yes,%26quot; the lawyer replies, %26quot;Now what’s your final question?%26quot;

79

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it%26#039;s just a waiting game. (Bill Dwyer)

80

I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead. (Laura Kightlinger)

81

Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That%26#039;s a good thing. He%26#039;s getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on. (Jon Stewart)

82

My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners! (Sarah Silverman)

83

I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world (Steven Wright)

84

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says ‘What the hell was that all about?%26quot;

85

Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. (George Burns)

86

After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.. He said, %26quot;No hablo ingles.%26quot; (Ronnie Shakes)

87

Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he%26#039;s snagged an old bottle. As he%26#039;s taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. %26quot;Turn the lake into beer,%26quot; he says. The genie goes %26quot;Poof!%26quot; and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, %26quot;So what do you think?%26quot; The other guy says, %26quot;You jerk. Now we%26#039;ve got to piss in the boat.%26quot;

88

My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters. (Brian Kiley)

89

I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for member. (Groucho Marx)

90

A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‘It was terrible. I was away on business, and I wired my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me?%26quot; %26quot;Well,%26quot; says the psychiatrist. %26quot;Maybe she didn’t get your telegram.%26quot;

91

They say animal behavior can warm you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona (Bob Hope/Gene Perret)

92

A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can%26#039;t be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. %26quot;I promised not to tell!%26quot; he says. %26quot;Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher%26#039;s daughter?%26quot; the preist asks. %26quot;No, and I said I wouldn%26#039;t tell.%26quot; %26quot;Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer%26#039;s daughter?%26quot; %26quot;No, and I still won%26#039;t tell!%26quot; %26#039;Was it Mary Francis, the baker%26#039;s daughter?%26quot; %26quot;No,%26quot; says the boy. %26#039;Well, son,%26quot; says the priest, %26quot;I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months.%26quot; Outside, the boy%26#039;s friends ask what happened. %26quot;Well,%26quot; he says, %26quot;I got six months, but three good leads.%26quot;

93

I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked %26quot;Do you have any firearms with you?%26quot; I said: %26quot;What do you need?%26#039; (Steven Wright)

94

A comedian is sitting at the bar of a comedy club late one night when a beautiuful woman comes up to him and says %26quot;I saw you perform tonight, and you’re the funniest guy I’ve ever seen. I want to take you home and give you the hottest night of sex you’re ever had.%26quot; The comedian looks at her and says, %26quot;Did you see the first show or the second show?%26quot;

95

The guy who shot Robert Kennedy, Sirhan Sirhan, goes up for parole every year. Once he even told the parole board that if Kennedy was alive today, he would speak in his favor and say let him go. What a tough break, you know? The one guy who would have supported him, and he shot him. (Paula Poundstone)

96

Bob: %26quot;Emily, aren’t you afraid of death?%26quot; Emily: %26quot;I just think of it as a part of life.%26quot; Bob: %26quot;Yeah. The last part.%26quot; (Bob Newhart show/Sy Rosen)

97

I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think he’s great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, %26quot;You can’t fire me. I quit.%26quot; (Bill Maher)

98

My father heard the story of the Menendez brothers. He quit playing the lottery. He said ‘Screw it, I’ve got twelve kids. Any one of them could snap.%26quot; (Paul Rodriguez)

99

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it %26quot;Do not eat if seal is broken.%26quot; So I opened up the box, and sure enough... (Brian Kiley)

100

I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. (Steven Wright)
Reply:very funny , you made my evening . thanks a lot....:)
Reply:thanks!you made my day!
Reply:LOL. Good Ones. LOL.

Though sometimes, you luck up and find a precious gem!

Enjoy your Sunday!
Reply:love all of them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reply:You ROCK DUDE!!!!!!!!!! Love it made my day
Reply:Those r funny!!!
Reply:lol!!!! i luv it. don%26#039;t think my brother would get it tho. lol!!!!!!!
Reply:LMAO- I loved them!
Reply:TRAITOR !
Reply:lots of truth to these funnies--thanks for sharing

kmdi

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Anyone who speaks Spanish can you help?

Good Skit?

A joke for the military. Will you enjoy it?

Good Skit?

Here's some for the ladies?

What should I wear to a wedding?

What should I wear to a wedding?

Why don't young women wear NYLONS anymore?

Jokes for the girls?

Jokes for the girls?

Men's Dress Shoes

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